


Let No Man Tear Asunder

by SapphoIsBurning



Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Backstage, Banter, Community: wrestlingkink, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Kink Meme, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Marriage of Convenience, Secret Marriage, Some angst, WWE Draft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 17:58:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7517830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphoIsBurning/pseuds/SapphoIsBurning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The WWE draft is as good a reason as any to get married, right? But Sami and Dean find that marriage is a lot more than just convenient. It also comes with toasters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let No Man Tear Asunder

**Author's Note:**

> This might be jossed in record time but I DON'T CAAAAAAAAAAARE

Dean stood with his mouth hanging open like he had misheard something crucial, while Sami begged for an answer with his eyes.

“You want to get married?” Dean asked. “To me.”

“You’re the first person I asked,” said Sami. “Probably the only one I’m willing to tolerate. Cesaro would be okay if he weren’t already engaged.”

“He’s engaged?”

“Shit. That was a secret. Don’t tell anyone. Anyway, I don’t deal well with uncertainty. I like to plan. Well into the future, if I can help it. The brand split is killing me.” Sami gestured with his hands like an out-of-the-blue marriage proposal to his friend and road trip partner was located somewhere over his left shoulder.

“...if you’re looking for a plan you know not having one is literally my deal, right? It’s on a shirt and everything.” Dean looked at Sami with confusion, but at least not disgust.

“I’ll do all the planning. Literally everything. You just show up and sign on the dotted line, and you come with me to talk to Hunter about it, unless you think we should go directly to HR about it? Like, should we buy Hunter a steak and then break the news, or fill out forms first?”

Dean gave Sami a blank look. “This is the weirdest damn marriage proposal I’ve ever heard,” he said, shaking his head, but it looked like a smile was trying to break out over his face.

“Marry me so we can be assigned to the same roster?” Sami said, getting down on one knee and pulling out a hinged, velvet jewelry box.

“What the hell is that,” Dean said, now actually laughing.

Sami opened it. Inside was a Ring Pop, still wrapped in plastic.

“Fuck yeah Ring Pops,” Dean said. He took the gum out of his mouth and flicked it into a garbage bin and grabbed the candy. He unwrapped it noisily.

“Is that a yes?” Sami asked, looking up at Dean.

“Did you not hear the fuck yeah part?” Dean said around the jewel-shaped candy he shoved in his mouth. He slurped at it. “Green apple, Sami, you’re the best. I’m gonna make you a happy man!” Dean slapped him on the back and then turned and walked off toward catering.

*****

Sami tabbed through a dozen forms that HR had given him. He decided to approach them saying he was about to marry someone on the roster but had been vague about it, and someone just emailed him a bunch of PDFs.

He frowned and picked up his phone. “Hey Siri, call Dean Ambrose.”

“Calling Dean Ambrose,” Siri said.

“Y’ello?” Dean said groggily as he answered.

“Hey, Dean, all these forms are assuming that the contractors declaring a joint association have the same address. Should we use yours or mine?”

“Dunno. What do you think?”

“Most of my stuff is in storage anyway, my apartment is basically a closet, and I don’t trust our mail carrier.”

“Dude, you should just move in with me. I got all this space, I’m not even using it. It’s fuckin’ boring. I hated Florida, but it was nice to have roommates and shit.”

Sami froze. “Wait, really?”

“Like you said, you don’t even have that much stuff in your apartment anyway. Pack a suitcase and come back to Vegas with me after we’re done next week.”

“Gee, Dean, I don’t know what to say.”

“Say, ‘I love cooking and cleaning.’“

“...I love cooking.”

“Close enough. Shit, we can get the marriage certificate here too, it’s Vegas, it’s literally the easiest place to get married in the country.”

“I thought you didn’t like making plans?”

“It’s barely a plan. It’s like a to-do list. Get married. Check.”

“...okay,” Sami said, somehow feeling more impulsive than when he proposed.

***** 

They sat together on a bed in a hotel room looking at the website of the Clark County clerk’s office.

“We fill out this form online, we get to skip the line for marriage licenses in person?” Dean asked.

“That’s what it looks like,” Sami said. “And they’re open until midnight. Convenient.”

“You’re gonna love Vegas, baby,” Dean said easily. Sami felt hot under his tee shirt.

“Do you want to be Party 1 or Party 2?” Sami asked.

“Which one’s the man?”

“You are not allowed to ask that. Pro tip. I hate being asked that.” Sami glared.

“Sorry, sorry...”

“...but the website says the groom should be Party 1,” Sami sighed.

“You can be Party 1 if you want. I’d look cute in a veil, though, right?” Dean mugged.

“I’ll buy you a veil, fucking watch me, Dean. I’ll get you a fascinator.”

“I  _ am  _ fascinating.”

“What’s your full name, Party 1?”

“Dean Jason Ambrose.”

“You’re DJ!” Sami exclaimed, but felt cold when he saw Dean cringe.

“Don’t call me that,” Dean said, frowning and looking away.

“My turn to be sorry,” Sami said.

“S’okay,” Dean said, “just went by that as a kid and...that was a long time ago. What’s next?”

“Um, city and state of current residence I’ve got, so, date of birth?”

“December 7, 1985.”

“City and state of birth?”

“Cincinnati, Ohio, baby.”

“Here, type your social security number in.” Sami handed Dean his computer. Dean set it down and reached for his wallet.

“...you shouldn’t really have that with you, shouldn’t you?” Sami asked as Dean pulled out a little blue card and squinted at it.

“Dunno. I’m never home, never filling out paperwork at home. I tried to let them keep it at the mothership in Stamford for me so I couldn’t lose it, but they wouldn’t.” After typing a bit, Dean set the computer gently back in Sami’s lap.

“Ever been married before?” Sami asked, suddenly anxious about the answer for no clear reason.

“Nah,” Dean said. “Never thought I really had any use for it, tell you the truth. Never did anybody I knew much good.” He swallowed hard, running his hand backwards through his hair. “This’ll be good, though, I’m sure. I mean,” he looked up, “I trust you.”

“Thanks,” Sami said. “Father’s full name?”

Dean didn’t answer for a second. “Uh. Can you leave that blank.”

Sami squinted at the form. There was an alert at the top: “Note: Each required field must be completed. If any information is not known, type “UNKNOWN” in that field.”

“Yeah, I can,” Sami said, quickly typing UNKNOWN three times to get to the next field. “Mother’s name? Maiden name, they want.”

“Sarah Marie Ambrose,” he said. “Sarah with an H at the end.”

“Got it,” Sami said, the keys clicking softly. “My mom’s Sara with no H.” Dean nodded.

Then Sami didn’t speak, filling out his side of the form. Sami Zayn, no middle name. Born in Montreal, Quebec, Canada on July 12, 1984. Father, Marwan, born in Syria; mother, born in Quebec.

“Okay, do you verify that ‘the Information above is accurate and any entries of “UNKNOWN” are truly unknown and unobtainable by me?’“ Sami asked, reading the form out loud.

“If my mom knew who my old man was, she took that one to the grave,” Dean said.

Sami made a noise like he was going to apologize again but Dean stopped him with a look.

“It’s fine. I’m not somebody’s thirty year old mistake. I don’t have a dad. Far as I’m concerned, I’m an immaculate fucking conception.” Dean crossed himself. “Brought to the earth to save wrestling, amen.”

“Huh,” Sami said.

“You’re supposed to say amen too,” Dean said, elbowing him.

“Yeah, no.” Sami checked some boxes on the form and hit “confirm.” He wrote down the number on the next screen on a piece of hotel stationery. “Well, we take this to the clerk, pay seventy seven dollars, and then get our piece of paper to take to Elvis or the judge or whoever. It’s good for a year, in case you get cold feet.”

“I’ve never chickened out of anything in my life, even when I should have,” Dean said. “I’m gonna marry the shit out of you, and then we’re going to go get ribs.”

“Beef ribs, though, right? I don’t eat pork.”

“Anything for you, Party 2.”

*****

Backstage was buzzing, more than usual, when Dean and Sami arrived to get ready for a house show that weekend.

“It’s not me, I swear,” Sami heard Darren Young say to a PA hauling a spool of cable. “I’d tell everyone.”

Sami didn’t think much more of it until he pulled out his phone and saw something about Wrestling Observer and wedding rumours scrolling through his Twitter feed. He felt his stomach lurch. He went to go look for Dean in catering.

“Deano, you and Rollins finally making it official?” Dolph Ziggler taunted.

“Seth’s not the marrying type,” Dean deadpanned back. “I tried. Hey Zayn.”

“Hey guys. What’s all this about marrying?” Sami said, failing at being casual, but no more than usual.

Ziggler looked up. “Dirt sheets are reporting that there’s a gay wedding in the works for two people on the roster. Meltzer’s got a source in HR apparently, though if they get found out they won’t be there for long.”

“How do we know it’s not you, Zig?” Sami deflected.

Dolph just glared at him, standing up, throwing away a paper plate with pizza crusts, and walking out.

“...When’s your meeting with Hunter?” Dean asked Sami.

“Not soon enough,” he sighed.

*****

It got worse.

“Sami, I must speak with you,” Cesaro told him urgently, pulling him aside before he was about to walk into the dressing room at their next show.

“Sure, what’s wrong?”

Cesaro steered Sami over to an empty concession area. He looked shaken.

“I have a problem.” He fiddled with a ring on his hand.

“Is the engagement still on?” Sami asked.

“That is the problem. It was meant to be a secret, but as you may already know, there is now a rumor about two people from WWE who are engaged and who are of the same gender.”

Sami’s eyes went wide.

Cesaro looked away. “Jackie and I...we are so much in love, you know? But he is so afraid of his family in Oklahoma finding out, disowning him? We do not know how those terrible websites found out but...ah, Sami. It’s so good to have a friend I can tell about this.”

Their eyes met.

“I swear I will fix this,” Sami said, tears welling up in his eyes. He sniffled. “And I’m so happy for you,” he added before his voice broke. He pulled Cesaro into a hug.

*****

In the end, they went with the classic ceremony.

“What the King has united, let no man tear asunder,” the Elvis impersonator drawled. “Now kiss your boy!”

Sami was prepared for a quick peck on the cheek from his fake-real new husband, but Dean caught him off guard, sweeping him into a deep dip and kissing him hard on the lips with a smack. 

They went to Dean’s favorite barbecue joint afterwards. Sami drank Shirley Temples on the house. Dean had four beers, then texted a picture of the marriage certificate to Hunter.

They woke up the next morning fully clothed but curled around each other in Dean’s bed. Sami’s eyes flickered open to meet Dean’s.

“You know, this ain’t so bad,” Dean said, leaning into Sami’s shoulder.

“It’s really not,” Sami said.

*****

At the next Raw, Hunter gathered the roster backstage for a Serious Talk about supporting each other where he studiously made no eye contact with Sami or Dean. He kept looking right at Sasha, for some reason, but she wasn’t fazed. He also announced no couple married before July 17 would be split on different rosters.

The company released a statement about respecting the privacy of all their talent. Speculation on the happy couple continued, but the heat was off Jack and Claudio at least.

“They’re going to have a small ceremony back in Lucerne the next time they get some time off,” Sami told Dean.

“Good for them. Pizza tonight?”

“Can we get it delivered? I’m so tired.”

“You just want to watch that Forensic Files marathon.” Dean rolled his eyes.

“Caught me.”

Seth walked by snickering at that exchange. “Geez, you two sound like the married couple.”

“It’s cause we are,” Dean shot back. “Come on Sami, our marital bliss doesn’t need to suffer this loser.”

Sometimes hiding in plain sight actually worked. For a time.

*****

Dean’s phone rang. Sami saw it vibrating on the table next to the room service menu, but he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to answer it. The screen said it was Mick Foley, though, and Dean wouldn’t want to miss this call, right?

Sami answered it. “Hello?”

“...is Dean there?”

“He’s in the shower, and I probably shouldn’t have answered his phone without asking but I thought he wouldn’t want to miss this. Um, this is Sami, Sami Zayn, hi Mick.”

“Sami, do you and Dean have some news for me?”

“...we’re tagging on Smackdown this week?”

“....have Dean call me back.”

“Okay! Sure! Bye!”

Mick hung up.

“Fuck,” Sami said. Then Sami heard the water turn off. “Fuck fucking fuck,” Sami said. He sat down on the bed hard.

A minute later, Dean stepped out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. Sami stared at a drop of water that fell out of his hair and cascaded down his chest, toward his navel.

“See something you like?” Dean said.

Sami felt confused all over. “You know I like you,” he said, and handed Dean his phone. “Mick Foley called while you were in the shower and I answered it and it was really awkward and he said to call you back?”

Dean held the towel up with one hand and hit speakerphone with the other. It rang. “Hello?” Mick said, sounding tinny.

“Hey Mick, what’s going on? You caught me with my pants down.”

“I’ll say. So, are congratulations in order, or what?”

Dean laughed softly. “Yeah, man, I guess they are.”

“Well shit,” Mick said.

“You even gonna ask who the lucky man is?” Dean teased.

“I was gonna assume it’s the guy who’s answering your cell phone for you, pal.”

Sami blushed a little but Dean just smiled. “Yeah. That would be a good assumption.”

“You guys registered anywhere?”

*****

Giggling and hunching over Sami’s computer, they threw together a registry for Jon and El Moxley-Generico.

“We can really ask for anything?” Dean asked.

“Anything,” Sami said.

“Like, swords?”

“Sure, but is there anything you need for the house?”

“Anything  _ we _ need,” Dean corrected.

“Oh,” Sami said. “Well, of course.”

“What do you want?” Dean asked.

Sami pressed his lips together. “I have some ideas…”

*****

By the next week they had fully moved in together, and Sami cooked as promised. If Sami already had a little crush on Dean bit when he proposed, now he had a big one, and even though he had his own bedroom in Dean’s sunny split-level, he found himself spending a lot of time in Dean’s.

Mick bought them a blender and wrote them a really super nice note. They didn’t expect more gifts to trickle in.

“Mark Calaway…” Sami read off of the outside of a package as he opened it. “Oh my god, Dean, The Undertaker bought us a toaster!”

Dean looked stunned. “...is the return address really in Death Valley?” he asked hopefully.

“No, Texas.”

“Damn.”

*****

Word did eventually get out to the roster, and even Seth had the good sense to be apologetic about his previous teasing.

“How long has this been going on?” he pulled Dean aside to ask while Sami casually eavesdropped.

“Long enough,” Dean shrugged. 

Seth drew himself up and looked serious. “I’m very happy for you,” he said.

“Really?” Dean asked, unguarded.

Seth bit his cheek. “You deserve to be happy,” he said.

Dean glanced over to where Sami was sitting and pretending to be absorbed in his phone. Sami looked up and met Dean’s gaze which was soft with...affection?

“I do, don’t I,” Dean said with some wonder. “And I am.”

*****

A crowd of friends waylaid Sami and Dean backstage at Smackdown, perilously close to when the two of them needed to make their entrances for the main event. 

“We all chipped in to get you this,” Sheamus said, slapping Dean on the back.

“I hope you don’t already have one,” Xavier said, hiding behind Kofi and burying his giggles in the other man’s shoulder.

Cesaro and Swagger kept sneaking glances at each other, looking supremely pleased with themselves.

Jojo handed over a paper-wrapped rectangle that was almost as large as she was. Sami and Dean looked at each other, then Sami grabbed the item and Dean ripped the paper off.

After staring at the item for a moment, Dean spoke. “We definitely don’t have one of these.”

The frame was tasteful, a matte black beveled edge. The contents were matted, professionally, under glass. The art was clearly done by a professional, too, and one with a good grasp of human anatomy, at that.

“We found her on Tumblr!” Xavier squealed.

“It’s a commission,” Seth piped up from where he leaned against a wall. “Her rates were very reasonable.”

“Do I really have that many abs?” Sami asked, blushing profusely.

“Sure you do, kid,” Dean said, punching him in the arm. “I think it’s a pretty accurate rendering, myself. What do you call this position?”

“Wheelbarrow,” Jojo said.

“Maybe we’ll have to commission her for a sequel. I know plenty of people who we owe a gift to,” Sami said, glaring at Cesaro and Jack.

“Should we hang it in the bedroom or the kitchen?” Dean wondered out loud. “I’ve never owned any real art before.” He looked up from the frame. “Thanks you guys!”

*****

They hung it in Dean’s bedroom. Realistically, their bedroom, as they both sacked out in there the few nights they were home, for the good company if nothing else.

“Getting married is nice,” Dean said, gazing up at the picture. “This was the best idea.”

“The picture of me plowing you on a bed of rose petals is the thing that makes you warm and fuzzy?” Sami asked.

“It’s a nice picture,” Dean said neutrally.

“I think I actually love you,” Sami said, shaking his head.

“I know,” Dean replied.

Sami pressed his lips together and glared at Dean before they both dissolved into giggles.

“I love you back,” Dean said. “And I like you. And I think you could convince me to wheelbarrow you, if you wanted. Or the other way around. I’m flexible.”

Sami gazed at the picture. “It really is a pretty good likeness,” he said.

No one spoke for nine seconds, and on the tenth second they turned to each other and fell into a kiss, first pressing their lips together, their eyes open, crinkling with two smiles. They deepened the kiss, Sami feeling Dean’s tongue slip into his mouth. Sami gripped the back of Dean’s head, and Dean grabbed two fistfuls of Sami’s tee shirt. Their lips parted just to meet again and again. They laughed and fumbled wordlessly with clothing and ground against each other until they were satisfied and sticky and consummately happy.

“All that’s left is the big reveal,” Sami said afterward, once he had caught his breath. “Unless you want to wait.”

“I don’t have anyone left to be proud  _ or _ embarrassed. I was raised by woofs, you know that.” Dean paused. “What about your family? Do we need to tell them first?”

“I mean, I am gay. It was going to come out publicly eventually. My family’s had a long time to come to terms with it. I think my mom would like to meet you, though,” Sami said, looking up. His blush gave him away. “She’d like you. You’re really honest. Make a lot of money, have a nice house, good looking...basically the perfect husband. Too bad you couldn’t marry my sister.”

“Your sister didn’t propose to me with a ring pop,” Dean said.

“She’s more of a candy necklace person,” Sami said, looking thoughtful.

“Those are good too. Would be a tough choice.” Dean mocked an expression of deep thought.

“So.”

“So,” Dean repeated.

“Big kiss in the ring after we’re drafted?” Sami asked.

“The biggest,” Dean said, grinning.

“The new era just keeps getting better and better. But we should practice the spot, to make sure we get it right,” Sami said nonchalantly.

“Wrestling is all about moments,” Dean said. With a wicked twinkle in his eye, he leapt on Sami with a ferocious kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> All names of family members are plausible fictions.


End file.
